How your mindset creates the difficult conversation

Some time ago, there was a lot of talk in the corporate world about "courageous conversations." As an HR Business Partner at the time, I found this puzzling - surely these conversations were simply part of a leader's job description, they came with the turf.

However, over the years I've learned that many leaders genuinely struggle in giving feedback and addressing performance issues. Those who do it well are often surprised by the gratitude they receive for doing something they just see as part of their role. What is the difference between these leadership profiles?

Skill is certainly part of it, but in my view, the main difference (and something I've seen make a big impact in a short space of time) is the mindset and the underlying intent behind the conversation.

The problem of the "hurdle" mindset

Those who handle difficult conversations well start from a mindset of trying to be helpful. To quote Brené Brown "Clear is kind, unclear is unkind."

Conversely, leaders who struggle with giving feedback often frame the conversation as a hurdle to get over - something unpleasant that needs to happen. They focus on what the recipient needs to be told in order to improve, and alleviating the leader's own discomfort, getting through the conversation as quickly as possible. This attitude fundamentally impacts how the how the recipient experiences the feedback and therefore how they respond; typically leading to defensiveness and resistance.

The power of reframing

I saw one of the most powerful examples of this during a training session many years ago. A leader was role-playing a real-life scenario in order to practice giving performance feedback.

The first attempt was harsh and very to the point, making it difficult for the recipient to hear. We paused and discussed the leader's intent. Why were they giving this feedback? They realised the person needed to know where their performance was falling short and what was required to genuinely help them improve. Not being clear now would be unfair, as if the colleague wasn't given the information they needed to improve, at some point in the future their underperformance would lead to a painful surprise.

Once the leader had in mind that they were sharing the feedback to help the recipient and enable their improvement, the way they conducted the conversation completely changed. The content -the areas for improvement - remained the same, but the tone and impact were different. Consequently, it was much easier for the recipient to hear and act upon the feedback.

Moving from avoidance

I write about this not just as someone who has coached others, but as a leader who has intentionally developed this mindset and improved my skill in giving feedback. As someone who has high interpersonal sensitivity (and ability to read emotions), telling people things you think they don't want to hear is naturally something I might choose to avoid. However, having the mindset that it is kind to be clear with team members if they are underperforming in some aspect of their work or bringing the wrong attitude, has helped me be proactive in having frank conversations. In every case, the recipient went away grateful for the discussion and the clarity that came from it.

What conversation are you avoiding that could be transformed with a change in mindset?